Happy Friday people and welcome to week 3 of the Bachie Recaps.
This week we finally got the BACHIE STORM OUT we’d all been waiting for…but I think the real gift was the amount of times The Bachelor and his potential love interests flippantly said the C-Bomb.
If you haven’t guessed already, this episode is going to be really hard to talk about, by the way, in a WORK EMAIL.
I mean, there’s some important people in this email chain (Hi Robyn, thanks for reading) and I don’t want to offend people. So for the purpose of this exercise, we’re going to change the bad word to ‘Crumpet.’
Abbie gets her first proper single date and stirs the pot like it’s foot-juice
Abbie the *seductress* gets some one on one time with Bachie after they exchanged saliva for half last week’s episode. They squelch around in some fruit to make foot juice for cocktails and it’s the least romantic thing I think I’ve seen. Also, how weird is the word ‘squelch’? – I’ll leave you with that.
Did the producers spend all their money on last week’s Ferrari and plane date? Channel 10’s intern had to run to the local woollies to grab 4 kilos of Oranges to make this date a little bit exciting before we got hit with the DRAMAAAAA.
Later, after macking on in the pool, Abbie tells Bachie she’s literally felt sick all day because Monique said some mean things about him…specifically, she said he was a dog crumpet. And like, it has nothing to do with the fact that Monique had a great date with Bachie last week and usually only dates footballers but for some reason likes Nerdy Bachie? Those two things are completely unrelated.
Bachie comes to terms with the fact he’s been called a Dog Crumpet on national telly, and is too scared to kiss anyone as a result
Bachie shares some more one on one time with Helena the unemployed influencer and Chelsie the hot nerdy girl. He probs would have pashed both of them I reckon because they’re blonde, but he is now a bit cautious as he doesn’t want to be seen as a disrespectful pig, or a crumpet -he’s just trying to find LOVE, you guys!
Bachie uses the cocktail party to create a Facebook Poll as to who heard Monique call him a crumpet and whether it was a joke or not.
All signs point to the fact Monique definitely DID call our poor Bachie a Crumpet. But it’s the context in which she said it that we can’t seem to get answers for.
My favourite part of this whole evening was the fact Sogand said ‘They were definitely joking, that’s just how they talk. They’re, you know – a bit bogan’.
And I mean, she’s not wrong. But the word Crumpet is wrong and shouldn’t be said. But should Abbie have told him in the first place? I’ll let you decide.
Bachie sends an unknown girl home and keeps Monique because he thinks he can move past the Dog Crumpet comment
Will he be able to? I guess we’ll find out.
It’s group date time, and it’s wedding themed – because the women in the house didn’t feel enough like sister wives already
Vakoo wins Number 1 wife and gets some alone time with Bachie. But she also has a serious case of the giggles.
The wine is funny, strawberries are funny, commitment chat is funny – it’s all bloody hilarious when you’re a nervous laugher – this coming from someone with experience. I don’t think this date goes very well, as Vakoo doesn’t even get a rose! Which is sad because she is great television.
Hot nerd Chelsie gets a single date at Bachie’s house and forgets to take her textbook so they bake and make out instead.
Ok I am now officially concerned the budget has been blown on this season already. As Bachie’s single date was ‘come to mine and make banana bread’ – EVERYBODY KNOWS banana bread is delicious, yes. But it’s also extremely easy to make if you have basic baking ingredients and a few dodgy bananas.
Bachie saw some brown narnies in the bowl and didn’t want to waste his money.
They had the most disgusting looking food fight also so I’m surprised there was any bread batter left in the bowl.
Now the next bit made me real mad. They then proceeded to wash it off IN THE POOL. Bachie’s groundskeeper is not going to be happy when bits of dodgy banana block the pool filter let me tell you. You’ll be swimming in algae for weeks.
Monique gets a quiet exit after Bachie realises he can’t get over the whole Dog Crumpet debacle
And I mean, fair enough. Monique must use the word crumpet so damn much she can’t even remember saying it! I assume she probs uttered it a few times in the cab ride out of the mansion.
Abbie feigns shock over Monique’s shock exit and it basically looks like this:
We say bye to golden girl Vakoo who is honestly too pure for this world
Bye Vakoo, keep slaying. Maybe stop giggling.
And once again we’re left waiting for next week’s big batch of DRAMA. Thanks for reading friends, I promise I’ll learn who has who so I can update properly. There are just so many blondes, you guys – it’s very confusing.