The Bachelor Recap: Week 4

Good morning, happy Friday and happy week 4 of the Bachie Recaps.

Well, it’s one week on from the highly anticipated Bachie Walk Out. A week on from Monique’s exit and the most Aussie drama seen on prime time TV since Blue Heelers.

Week four saw lies, deceit, weird mud bath make-out sessions and of course – DRAMAAAAA.

WEDNESDAY

Clingy Irish Princess Emma gets a single date, confesses her love after five short minutes
Yes, Emma the Irish who has four potential wedding venues already booked in advance for *just in case* and a cupboard full of caught bouquets finally gets her very own single DATE!

Her and Bachie eat food blindfolded and Emma freaks TF out, thinking she’s eating spiders. This isn’t Survivor love, just eat the damn field mushroom

(to be fair, mushrooms ARE a fungus so…).

The pair head to the feelings and cheese platter couch for a heart to heart, where Emma tells Bachie that he means the ‘world’ to her and I’m left wondering if she knows what the world actually is.

Old mate is coming on strong but Bachie doesn’t seem to mind, he gives her a fancy piece of wood to commemorate her craziness and then the pair mack on. Lovely.

Group date introduces us to new girl band The Selfless Five and we learn that Abbie is probably (definitely) a liar liar pants on fire
The girls get dolled up and asked to order themselves from ‘least’ to ‘most’ selfless, fun, honest, etc you get the point.

This group date was just ridiculous, you guys. If I said to you ‘Ok, put your team in order of Who’s the best down to who is a steaming pile of cow dung’ – How do ya think that’s gonna go down?

I-cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out

Of course it ends in a fight for who can get to the first podium quick enough – with Abbie managing to win most times. The part that ruffled feathers was when she claimed she was most honest because, and I quote: ‘I literally, like, cannot lie you guys’ – which is like, exactly what someone who lies constantly would say.

Sogand asks Abbie ‘Why U always lyin?’ and Abbie lies some more
Sogand is really stuck on the fact Abbie says she doesn’t really want kids or to get married, but where Matt’s concerned, she seems to change her mind and tbh – that’s quite the backflip. Abbie’s running round the mansion doing Parkour at this rate if she’s changing her mind as much as the girls say.

We say goodbye to Brianna who must be really good at hide and seek considering I have never seen her before
Farewell Bree, we hardly knew thee.

THURSDAY

China Girl Kristen gets a single date sloshing round in organic mud
Bachie has finally weeded out enough girls that he’s managed to spot another blonde he hasn’t spoken to yet! He and Kristen go on a weird date where they rub mud on each other. Bachie sat in a small bucket while he and Kristen made out and it was just a lil bit weird if I’m honest. Surely you’d be getting mud all up in your mouth? But if I’ve learnt anything thus far it’s that Bachie Matt is not letting hygiene get in his way of a good time.

It’s another group date where the girls get plied with alcopops and then talk to Bachie’s bestie
What could possibly go wrong?!

Sogand, Abbie, Cassandra and Elly all get to meet Bachie’s bestie Kate, who was put in the friend zone nearly 20 years ago and hasn’t moved since.

The four girls even had their own besties come along to play ultimate wingman for the date which is cute. The whole experience was really taken up by Abbie’s indecision. She told Kate she isn’t really fussed about getting married or having kids, but in three to five years she can probably you know, see herself married with kids. UMM. OK.

Let me get one thing straight. The girl is 23. Ya don’t have to want to have a million babies at 23.

23 is far too close in proximity to year 10 sex-ed classes sitting in a stuffy room watching a live birthing scene take place on a TV your teacher wheeled in (no? Just my school? Ok.) But having said that, if you’re not totally sure what you’re after at this point, maybe don’t go on a reality show to actively seek true love, ya know?

Just go out and be your footloose and fancy free 23-year old self, until you’ve blocked year 10 out of your mind enough to even consider looking after another human. Just food for thought.

It’s cocktail party time and Sogand goes all out Regina George on Abbie’s butt

‘All the other girls are talking about you, babe. I’m just the only one that will say it to your face.’

I’m starting to think this drama is a storm in a tea cup, but my god – the use of ‘babe’ in this show has really been mastered to become the most epic passive aggressive performance.

Meanwhile Bachie finally makes out with Helena the unemployed influencer and gets red lipstick everywhere.

Just an FYI Bachie, Red lipstick is just makeup ok? It’s not like, a target for you to put your mouth on.

Just a PSA from me because I dunno, I’m starting to see a trend here.

We say goodbye to Cassandra after hearing her talk for the first time
I’m starting to think we haven’t seen much of Cassandra because she’s too busy plugging her business to the producers to have time to appear on camera. As she said goodbye to Bachie I’m sure I saw her slip a business card in his jacket pocket for when he needs to buy an engagement ring. SEEYA

We’re down to 11 ladies now so I can finally tell you who is who.

See you next week for more drama and more unhygienic intimacy.

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