The Bachelor Recap: Week 5

HELL-O ladies and gents, we’re wrapping up week 5 of the Bachelor.

All the deadweight is gone and we’re now down to star players. Things are getting pretty ~serious~


Elly gets a second single date, because they’re playing with fire and she’s a nurse so it’s a double whammy bargain deal for the show’s OH&S
You know when you’re out in St Kilda in the warmer months, around dusk and all the *eccentric* locals come out? You know the ones – with their hacky sacks, hula hoops, hemp cream and questionable hygiene, and fire twirling?

Anyway….is that romantic?

I didn’t think so, but hey – it’s 2019 so maybe I’m just not woke enough.

Anyway, Matt and Elly’s second date was just a November night on the St Kilda foreshore. They laughed, they played with fire, they gazed into each others eyes and they had a big ol smooch. A lot of the girls are starting to feel like it’s the ‘Elly show’ and I still just have this niggling feeling she’s going to get her heart broken.

Half the girls skydive for a group date while trying not to look like this:

Poor Kristen was so scared but she DID IT! I wonder if she could see China from up there.

Rachael goes on about her Plan B to all the wrong people and eventually gets escorted out
Oh Rachael.
Poor, young, naïve, big-lipped Rachael.
You were just a bit too open, weren’t you?

While I do think this saga was heavily manufactured by producers, not to mention the problematic way in which she was booted from the mansion, I will say that I really don’t think she was there for the right reasons.

As in…if the ‘right’ reasons were to a) gain followers and b) get a sponsorship…then sure – she was there with her eye on the prize. For all other reasons like gee…I dunno LOVE – she was perhaps not so focused.

ANYWAY. The best part of this whole debacle was when Mary said ‘No wonder Rachael’s lips are so big…they’re full of secrets’ A very well-altered quote from Mean Girls which I think we can all appreciate.

Thanks Mary…never change.

Oh sorry…the runner up for best moment goes to Rachael for calling everyone ‘F***ing Dogs’ as she got into the getaway car. Class act, right to the end.

Although Rachael did an Irish goodbye, we still had a rose ceremony to trim some more of the fat.
Farewell Nikki. I feel you may have been comedy gold for our screens if there weren’t so much other DRAMA going on. Godspeed.


Group date time, with Elly, Matt and Abbie….oh and some others I guess
Ok, so I guess we shouldn’t be too upset at this point that Matt’s playing favourites. But it probably wouldn’t be as annoying if one of them wasn’t Abbie.

I know, that’s mean of me – I just fear it will be history repeating. Like with Richie and Alex, where they just really wanted to have a single date ~In ThE bEdRoOm~ then after that realised, hey – we actually have zero in common.

Shame, really.

Anyways they end up doing aerial acrobatics or something equally circus-y, then Bachie has to choose one girl to do a performance together, he chooses Abbie. They float in some silk things and then kiss and Abbie is all ‘OMG I like you so much it makes me want to cry’ and tbh I blacked out at that point from nausea.

Chelsie gets a massive wedgie for all of Sydney to see on her single date with Matt
THIS. THIS HAD ME IN STITCHES. Bachie picks Chelsie to horizontally scale a building in Sydney from the top to bottom. With harnesses and all that jazz, but it’s essentially meant to look like you’re walking down the side of a building and gravity doesn’t exist etc. Real ‘Inception’ style stuff. ANYWAY Bachie and Chelsie thought they were gonna look like a cool couple of ninjas, instead they just looked like two nerds bobbing quickly down the side of a building, being held up by their butts. It was actually the funniest thing I’ve seen this season, it was not sexy, it was not firey, it wasn’t even attractive.

But man it was entertaining.

Anyways the two have a very heart to heart-y convo and the word ‘LOVE’ is thrown around a lot by the Bachie: ‘I LOVE spending time with you,’ ‘I LOVE that you’re so smart’ ‘I LOVE that you’re a massive nerd like me’ – you get the point. But anyways I thought that was quite telling – or maybe I’m biased because I really want Chelsie and Bachie to have their own afterschool nerdy science program.

Sogand does a belly dance at the cocktail party because Shakira
So I thought this was going to be a cool moment. Call me ignorant, but I thought it would be a kind of Persian bellydance Spectacular. It’s her heritage after all.

It was more of an awkward Belly Flop. As in, you wince while watching but you can’t look away, and you know it’s going to hurt the person doing it way more than it hurts you to look.

The world crumbles as we say goodbye to Mary…and Nichole
Guys, I’m so sad Mary is gone. Not because I had her in the sweep, but because she was literally commentary gold. I want Mary to commentate everything I watch from now on.

The Bachelor, The News, the 2019 AFL Grand Final – ALL. OF. IT.

As for Nichole, well – you tried love.

That’s all for week 5, folks. Can’t wait till next week for a cameo appearance from the BACHIE ALL STARS (who knew there was such a thing)

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