The Bachelor Recap: FINALE

Hands up if you love LOVE!

So we have come to the end of The Bachelor’s journey to find love. And what a ride it has been! Let’s unpack the final eps.

WEDNESDAY

Chelsie’s single date in nerdy heaven
Bachie takes Chelsie on a multi-modal adventure, where she has to remember lots of numbers throughout the date that will lead to a super nerdy surprise at the end.

Watching her crack the code that opens a safe at the end is like watching A Beautiful Mind. Honestly, I am not a numbers gal so basic addition renders me impressed – let alone long division or whatever kind of sorcery that was.

nerd alert

The gift inside the safe was a necklace with with something from the periodic table and she is totally smitten by it.

Tell me these two aren’t cute and I will poke you in the eye.

Abbie’s XXX raunchfest
Let me just say this. I am all for embracing your sexuality. I am all for a strong, confident woman knowing what she wants and going for it.

I am not all for sandy dry humping on a beach on my tv screen right after I’ve eaten dinner.

And look, maybe it’s the producers that have angled the show this way, as one dimensional characters are easier to push – Elly was the country girl, Chelsie is a nerdburger, Abbie is a sexual deviant, you get my drift – but at 23, is that all you want to show you can offer?

Is it really the most important part of a relationship to you? Sure, it’s important, but give it a few years and the lusty dry humping world tour might just, well…dry up. Then all you have left is your personality and science, apparently.

Helena’s awkward date is just…oh god can we just end this please
The phrase ‘flogging a dead horse’ comes to mind when I see these two.

When Helena explains she went from zero to 500 on the crazy scale in the hometown visit to ‘test’ Matt – all hope (if there was any left) is lost.

It’s not too long before we’re put out of our misery, and we see Matt say goodbye to Helena in the very last Rose Ceremony.

Phew. Onto the finale.

THURSDAY!

We’re in South Africa for the final decider and it’s WILD. Literally, Bachie is doing his pensive no-shirt thoughts in the wilderness with potential life threatening animals around.

Bachie’s besties meet Abbie
We have already met Kate, Matt’s friend and human lie detector. I wonder what she does for a job.

Part of me thinks she teaches high school kids coz she is in the mood for zero nonsense. Anyway, I digress. We also meet Matt’s other bestie, Jason and these two definitely formed a friendship over their favourite molecule.

First cab off the rank is Abbie. Kate has already expressed her dislike concern over Abbie when they met weeks ago. She pulls her aside for a quick chat and goes straight for the jugular.

Abbie tries to win Kate over with her sob story. As much as I can appreciate her difficult upbringing, it sounded a little rehearsed and a little ‘this should fix things’. But Kate didn’t have a bar of it. This chat was not a success.

What was also unsuccessful was Abbie’s trash talking piece to camera that was basically like watching Regina George read from her burn book.

regina

I find it really telling that Bachie’s besties agreed they have met ‘Abbie’s’ in Matt’s life before. VERY INTERESTING.

Bachie’s besties meet Chelsie
While I do love Chelsie and have backed her for a while, I think the Elephant Man could have walked in with Matt and his besties would support the option over Abbie.

Is it fair? Maybe not.

Jason takes Chelsie for a chat and she mumbles her way through, explaining she does love Matt but is just scared to tell him. Jason gives the most wholesome and science-driven advice when he tells Chelsie that ‘Matt can’t make the best decision if he doesn’t have all the information first.’ And honestly, hi-five for science, there is a lot we can learn.

Final single dates
Bit of a snooze fest as we’re hanging out for the decision at this point.

Bachie takes Abbie on a yacht adventure. She *finally* gets the tears to work, and ugly cries as she tells him she loves him and she’s scared it’s the last time she’ll see him. The reason I’m not buying it is because all her talk to camera is her being very confident and the two fronts don’t match up. Boring, let’s move on.

Bachie takes Chelsie on SAFARI! The two are basically wearing the same thing, and as someone who often unintentionally couple-dresses with my significant other – I’d say that’s a great sign.

matchy matchy
Matchy Matchy with the Bachie

Chelsie finally opens up to Bachie and tells him she loves him more than she loves the periodic table and it’s super cute and lovely and I just can’t wait for the final moments you guys.

The Final Decision…and a classic stitch up
The Producers absolutely kill the ol’ switcheroo. Making Chelsie exit the car first.

Sad music plays while she pours her heart out to Osher and I hyperventilate in the fetal position. Then she goes and stands in a field and we cut to ANOTHER RED CAR PULLING UP.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. What a classic stitch up. Well done Channel 10 but also how dare you. I have just lost about 10 years of my life from the trauma.

Bachie says bye to Abbie
Abbie walks up to Matt as she tells us she’s confident they’re going to be together. Oh dear.

Matt tells Abbie that his ‘heart is with someone else’. He tries to stay on course with the carefully worded script he and the producers had planned, but Abbie is having none of it. She is quiet but her eyes say ‘SEETHING WITH RAGE’. She walks away and then Matt cries, poor love.

While I feel for Abbie I am also a bit like….hun, you knew the premise of this show when you signed up. He has to pick someone so if it’s not you…..that is the show. 

That’s how it works. Like,  be sad. But don’t be all ‘WTF WHY!’. Anyway.

Bachie tells Chelsie he loves her and it’s so wholesome
OMG you guys, poor Chelsie was standing in that field for ages, I am so glad she wasn’t mauled by lions. What kind of an ending would that be.

She finally gets to Matt where he tells her he loves her and she is SHOOK. As the favourite word of this season goes, the poor girl is BLINDSIDED.

The two embrace and it is just a lovely moment. Nawwww isn’t love the best!

We all get on with our lives as we wait for The Bachelorette to start
As much as I want to see these two on my TV hosting a science program at 4pm weekdays. I have a feeling they will sink into oblivion. Go back their everyday and be written in reality TV folklore as the cute nerdy couple.

Thanks for tuning in everyone. Time for a quick break before we return for this year’s Bachelorette.

 

 

 

 

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