Blog

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 1

Season 5 of the Bachelorette has kicked off this week and I think we might have our best Bachelorette yet.

Angie Kent has been on our screens before as the couch potato with a million doggos on Gogglebox, and also had a stint on I’m a Celebrity earlier this year. Now she is looking for lurve.

This young lady is an absolute fire cracker. Armed with years of reeling off other Bachie experiences, we have already seen Angie giving some of the best commentary the Bachie universe has ever SEEN. Needless to say, I am keen bean for this season (also for the all the household hotties AM I RIGHT LADIES.)

First, let’s go through the best and worst of this season’s talent:

TimmTimm, 27

Timm arrived with a big ol’ bunch of Sunflowers and sent Angie’s ovaries into overdrive.

This guy is a bit loose, definitely taken a few too many barrel rolls to the head. But he seems to really like Angie, have some gold nuggets of wisdom – and he is officially my favourite unofficial episode narrator.

We LOVE Timm.
Image source: Network 10

Jackson

Jackson, 25

Jackson has THE strongest jawline I’ve ever seen.

Jackson introduced himself with a meat pie, showing off his family’s business to Angie – a vegetarian coeliac.

When she broke the news to him, he all but threw the pie and his family inheritance into the bushes.

We LOVE Jackson.
Image source: Network 10

Kayde

Kayde, 25

Question; What do Kayde and Zac Effron have in common?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.

This bloke’s got tickets on himself and we’re not sure why. Maybe he will change our minds. Until then…

We TOLERATE Kayde.
Image source: Network 10


Matt
Matt, 27

This little hoon arrived on a BMX, opening with the one liner, ‘Geez, that was a long ride from my place!’ – I mean, what’s not to love already?

With the cutest little dimples and what seems to be quite the budding career outside of this show, BMX Bandit might be one to watch in Angie’s journey to love.

We LOVE Matt.
Image source: Network 10

Jess

Jess, 36

Sleazebag of the year goes to this guy.

We’re gonna talk about him shortly but until then I will just say Noosa, I am sorry.

 

We LOATHE Jess
Image source: Network 10

 

Carlin

Carlin, 30

The Perfect Man does not exi…

 

 

We LOVE Carlin
Image source: Network 10

 

Ciarran, 25Ciarran

I reeeeeeeaaaally didn’t wanna like this guy.

But I have to say I don’t mind him. He’s a little bit cocky, but seems to own it. He hasn’t seemed to ruffle any feathers as yet, and his accent is fun to listen to.

Let’s see where this goes.

We ARE UNSURE ABOUT Ciarran.
Image source: Network 10

 

JamieJamie, 39

Jamie REALLY wants you to know he is a firefighter.

He also believes he and Angie have a spiritual connection after approximately 37 seconds together. I’m not even sure what that means to be quite honest.

This guy is very passionate, but it might be a bit much.

We ARE A LITTLE BIT SCARED OF Jamie.
Image source: Network 10

Now let’s get down to business!

THURSDAY

Carlin, perfect man and winner of the 24 hour date drops a lil bombshell on Angie
Everyone has a past and that is totes fine. But poor Carlin put a ring on it a few years back and it didn’t work out…oh and the divorce isn’t finalised.

While Angie was worried this experience might have been a butterfly-leaving-the-shackled-cocoon opportunity for Carlin, we think he is genuinely there for the right reasons. She gives him a rose and then they get tickets to PASH CITY.

It’s PHOTOSHOOT DAY! The most cooked date of the season, and this one delivers in spades
Angie has chosen an animal theme for the photo shoot, which is hilarious and most of the guys get around the silly costumes. Special mention to Timm for his all-in attitude dressed as a demonic-lobster.

But not everyone shared the team player attitude. Namely, Wazza AKA The Giant Man Baby.

Wazza was dressed as a chicken. Wazza didn’t want to be a chicken. All the blokes had a laugh about Wazza the Chicken (INCLUDING A GUY DRESSED AS A FREAKIN PIG, YOU GUYS). Wazza threw all his toys out the cot and stormed off, back to the mansion to pack his bags and leave.

Now let’s talk about Jess
Jess is a lot of things. A Queenslander, a public servant, and a horse’s arse. And I mean this literally – he was the back end of a horse for this photoshoot – and figuratively – because he’s a douchebag.

In just two episodes, Jess has managed to rub viewers, the men and Angie up the wrong way. He comes across as slimy, smarmy and quite frankly – disgusting.

His behaviour in the photoshoot towards Angie was more than sleazy – it was crude, disturbing and just all kinds of wrong. We saw Angie do what all women have done in this situation; she gave Jess the benefit of the doubt, tried to disarm his comments as lighthearted banter, and then get as far away from him as she possibly could.

Difficult to do in this setting, especially when you are asked to specifically SIT. ON. THIS. GROSS. GUY. for a photo. No thanks.

The only good thing to come out of this foul human’s airtime, was the fact we saw several – if not all of the other men stand up against Jess’s spew-inducing behaviour, with Carlin even going straight to Angie to tell her what he’d been doing and saying not just around her and the other guys, but also to other female members of the crew.

When Angie approaches him for the feminist throw down of the year, Jess’ response is more or less ‘you asked for it.’ DISGUSTING.

But HOO BOY. Our gal let him HAVE IT. While this guy might have been a producer’s dream, he was clearly a nightmare for everyone else involved, and we’re glad Angie gave him the boot straight away, instead of keeping him and his alarming behaviour around for the sake of good content.

GOOD RIDDANCE JESS, YOU WILL NOT BE MISSED.

Now that the bad smell is gone from the mansion, Angie can get back to her journey for love.

Can’t wait for next week!

The Bachelor Recap: FINALE

Hands up if you love LOVE!

So we have come to the end of The Bachelor’s journey to find love. And what a ride it has been! Let’s unpack the final eps.

WEDNESDAY

Chelsie’s single date in nerdy heaven
Bachie takes Chelsie on a multi-modal adventure, where she has to remember lots of numbers throughout the date that will lead to a super nerdy surprise at the end.

Watching her crack the code that opens a safe at the end is like watching A Beautiful Mind. Honestly, I am not a numbers gal so basic addition renders me impressed – let alone long division or whatever kind of sorcery that was.

nerd alert

The gift inside the safe was a necklace with with something from the periodic table and she is totally smitten by it.

Tell me these two aren’t cute and I will poke you in the eye.

Abbie’s XXX raunchfest
Let me just say this. I am all for embracing your sexuality. I am all for a strong, confident woman knowing what she wants and going for it.

I am not all for sandy dry humping on a beach on my tv screen right after I’ve eaten dinner.

And look, maybe it’s the producers that have angled the show this way, as one dimensional characters are easier to push – Elly was the country girl, Chelsie is a nerdburger, Abbie is a sexual deviant, you get my drift – but at 23, is that all you want to show you can offer?

Is it really the most important part of a relationship to you? Sure, it’s important, but give it a few years and the lusty dry humping world tour might just, well…dry up. Then all you have left is your personality and science, apparently.

Helena’s awkward date is just…oh god can we just end this please
The phrase ‘flogging a dead horse’ comes to mind when I see these two.

When Helena explains she went from zero to 500 on the crazy scale in the hometown visit to ‘test’ Matt – all hope (if there was any left) is lost.

It’s not too long before we’re put out of our misery, and we see Matt say goodbye to Helena in the very last Rose Ceremony.

Phew. Onto the finale.

THURSDAY!

We’re in South Africa for the final decider and it’s WILD. Literally, Bachie is doing his pensive no-shirt thoughts in the wilderness with potential life threatening animals around.

Bachie’s besties meet Abbie
We have already met Kate, Matt’s friend and human lie detector. I wonder what she does for a job.

Part of me thinks she teaches high school kids coz she is in the mood for zero nonsense. Anyway, I digress. We also meet Matt’s other bestie, Jason and these two definitely formed a friendship over their favourite molecule.

First cab off the rank is Abbie. Kate has already expressed her dislike concern over Abbie when they met weeks ago. She pulls her aside for a quick chat and goes straight for the jugular.

Abbie tries to win Kate over with her sob story. As much as I can appreciate her difficult upbringing, it sounded a little rehearsed and a little ‘this should fix things’. But Kate didn’t have a bar of it. This chat was not a success.

What was also unsuccessful was Abbie’s trash talking piece to camera that was basically like watching Regina George read from her burn book.

regina

I find it really telling that Bachie’s besties agreed they have met ‘Abbie’s’ in Matt’s life before. VERY INTERESTING.

Bachie’s besties meet Chelsie
While I do love Chelsie and have backed her for a while, I think the Elephant Man could have walked in with Matt and his besties would support the option over Abbie.

Is it fair? Maybe not.

Jason takes Chelsie for a chat and she mumbles her way through, explaining she does love Matt but is just scared to tell him. Jason gives the most wholesome and science-driven advice when he tells Chelsie that ‘Matt can’t make the best decision if he doesn’t have all the information first.’ And honestly, hi-five for science, there is a lot we can learn.

Final single dates
Bit of a snooze fest as we’re hanging out for the decision at this point.

Bachie takes Abbie on a yacht adventure. She *finally* gets the tears to work, and ugly cries as she tells him she loves him and she’s scared it’s the last time she’ll see him. The reason I’m not buying it is because all her talk to camera is her being very confident and the two fronts don’t match up. Boring, let’s move on.

Bachie takes Chelsie on SAFARI! The two are basically wearing the same thing, and as someone who often unintentionally couple-dresses with my significant other – I’d say that’s a great sign.

matchy matchy
Matchy Matchy with the Bachie

Chelsie finally opens up to Bachie and tells him she loves him more than she loves the periodic table and it’s super cute and lovely and I just can’t wait for the final moments you guys.

The Final Decision…and a classic stitch up
The Producers absolutely kill the ol’ switcheroo. Making Chelsie exit the car first.

Sad music plays while she pours her heart out to Osher and I hyperventilate in the fetal position. Then she goes and stands in a field and we cut to ANOTHER RED CAR PULLING UP.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. What a classic stitch up. Well done Channel 10 but also how dare you. I have just lost about 10 years of my life from the trauma.

Bachie says bye to Abbie
Abbie walks up to Matt as she tells us she’s confident they’re going to be together. Oh dear.

Matt tells Abbie that his ‘heart is with someone else’. He tries to stay on course with the carefully worded script he and the producers had planned, but Abbie is having none of it. She is quiet but her eyes say ‘SEETHING WITH RAGE’. She walks away and then Matt cries, poor love.

While I feel for Abbie I am also a bit like….hun, you knew the premise of this show when you signed up. He has to pick someone so if it’s not you…..that is the show. 

That’s how it works. Like,  be sad. But don’t be all ‘WTF WHY!’. Anyway.

Bachie tells Chelsie he loves her and it’s so wholesome
OMG you guys, poor Chelsie was standing in that field for ages, I am so glad she wasn’t mauled by lions. What kind of an ending would that be.

She finally gets to Matt where he tells her he loves her and she is SHOOK. As the favourite word of this season goes, the poor girl is BLINDSIDED.

The two embrace and it is just a lovely moment. Nawwww isn’t love the best!

We all get on with our lives as we wait for The Bachelorette to start
As much as I want to see these two on my TV hosting a science program at 4pm weekdays. I have a feeling they will sink into oblivion. Go back their everyday and be written in reality TV folklore as the cute nerdy couple.

Thanks for tuning in everyone. Time for a quick break before we return for this year’s Bachelorette.

 

 

 

 

Bachelor Recap: Week 7

It’s week 7, or as I like to call it: The Week of Blindsides

Everybody’s bloody blindsided on this show this week, so let’s find out why.

WEDNESDAY

Sister wives group date where they test ~chemistry~
This date was all about awkward hugs, weird staring competitions and the chance to watch your boyfriend embrace his four other girlfriends on a small screen.

But they had a ~professional sexologist~ there so it made things more legitimate.

This date was just a bit bizarre, who can stare into another person’s eyes for four minutes without breaking a massive sweat or laughing, or both? It made me uncomfortable, and I was just in my trackies at home.

Elly wins the stare-off, gets one on one time with Bachie
Despite Abbie’s butt-grabbing and lip-biting behaviour in the chemistry test, Elly managed to score the alone time with Matt.

But ranting about Abbie at a pivotal moment for a ~connection~ left Elly sounding less like a concerned love interest, and more like this:

tumblr_mhwd3pNEPv1r60h6bo2_250

Abbie gets a single date so Matt can make out with her find out if she’s genuine
Let’s go on a date where we fake move into a fake house that is already fake furnished except for the fake bed that we can put together.

Suggestive much?

Later, by the cheese and wine table, Matt gives a very half-assed attempt at questioning Abbie’s intentions to which she puts on the performance of her life.

Someone get this woman to Summer Bay. Abbie is blindsided by this accusation. She doesn’t even like instagram, you guys. Seriously. My favourite part of this was watching Abbie try to fake cry. We’ve all been there, love.

Bachie fake cry
‘Maybe if I pinch really hard they’ll start watering’

Abbie stays and Elly gets the boot
It’s Elly’s turn to be blindsided. In fact, all the girls cop it a little bit. The Favourite is gone. Everyone’s sad. Abbie is stoked. The end.

THURSDAY: IT’S HOMETOWNS!

Abbie’s hometown visit to Brisbane
These two are actually starting to make me throw up a little in my mouth when they’re together.

Their one on one time before meeting the family is basically reaching third base in a public rooftop pool while two poor ladies watch on.

The family time is fine. There’s no real grilling except from Uncle Rob, who asks Bachie ‘what makes you so special then?’ – and I mean, how are you supposed to answer that?

Bachie gives some well-worded diplomatic answer that he’s had epic training for, and order is restored. Snore, next.

Chelsie’s hometown visit to Melbourne
Chelsie and Matt go to a pub for Sunday sippers before meeting the parents and what more could you want really?

Although I like Chelsie, I am highly skeptical that her parents live at their ‘house’ – it’s far too clean and neat. Apart from that her parents are lovely, her sister is a little scary, but all round this is a very ‘normal’ dinner-at-the-in-laws.

Chelsie tries to tell Bachie she’s falling in love with him, but through her discernible mumble I think she chickened out. It’s hard to tell. The girl is smart but her enunciation could do with some improvement if she’s going to be hosting a kids science show.

Emma’s hometown visit to Sydney
Jeez this is turning out to be a Bachie Roadshow, hope he’s topped up his frequent flyers with all this interstate travel.

Anyway, we arrive in Sydney to meet Emma and her doggos. Since Emma is Irish, we won’t be meeting her family, but we will be meeting her bestie…and some other guy who’s there just to add numbers.

Emma tells her friend that she is already in love with Matt and her friend’s reaction is the same as all of us:

You’ve had two dates?

It’s pretty clear from this experience that Emma has the accelerator on and Bachie is pumping the breaks, hard.

Helena’s hometown visit to Adelaide
HOOO BOY.

Where to begin with this nugget.

The writing was on the wall the minute Matt tried to talk footy to Helena’s Rugby-supporting Mafia father.

Cmon Bachie. Do your homework, find out what he’s interested in before you enter his home, then you can ask better questions. Like, how many men has he killed with his bare hands?

This date goes from bad to worse, when Bachie forgets that Helena spoke to him in French on the red carpet. She takes this as a sign he doesn’t care about her at all and proceeds to end the whole thing. Then change her mind back. Then end it again. Then maybe change her mind again.

Wow, guys. I am exhausted. At this point we’re not sure Helena will even show up to the Rose Ceremony.

Bachie says goodbye to Emma at the rose ceremony and we’re not sure if he would have if Helena didn’t apologise

Helena waltzes in at the last second and pulls Matt aside to apologise for being hysterical on her home town date. That might sound hyperbolic but it’s actually quite on the mark.

Anyway, after her apology Matt sends Emma home and the girls are left wondering whether that would have been the case if Helena hadn’t grabbed Bachie for a swift chat.

TBH I think he still would have sent Emma home because her feelings are just way too intense and if he took her along any longer then chose Chelsie it would hurt her too much. She needs to be home with her doggos, poor love.

Can you believe next week is the final?! Who do you think he will pick?

I’m still #teamChelsie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: Week 6

Hello, and welcome to my new home for Bachelor Recaps!

We’ve hit Week 6 in Bachie’s quest for love, and the women are dwindling. We’re down to the Top 5, let’s see how this week panned out.

WEDNESDAY

Bachie ‘All Stars’ grace our TV screens and we aren’t worthy
Channel 10 producers bring back Sam & Snez and Matty J & Laura to reinforce the premise of the show – that you actually need to pick someone, ANYONE – in order to avoid the garbage fire that was last year’s season.

Snez & Laura quiz the girls back at the mansion to pick one to come for dinner. The boys stay at the Bach pad to talk about feelings while playing FOOTY – to help assert manliness into a somewhat vulnerable situation. After this, we see them preparing dinner which, I’ll be honest I didn’t see anything come out on the table at dinner time so this is one whole big lie.

The girls pick Helena to come back to the house, which is an interesting (RE: Boring) choice but she is very pretty.

Emma gets a single date and it’s almost Choccy Bath 2.0
Chocolate is everywhere. It’s a very handsy date, but with an audience of one.
I just really feel bad for the poor chocolate lady these guys weren’t taking her craft seriously.

poor chocolate lady
“I have the regret”

Abbie gets a one-on-one chat with Matt. Gushes over raspberries. Makes everyone angry
I don’t reeeeally know what else to say about this. There were two spots for alone time with Matt at the cocktail party. Sogand got one, Elly took the other. Abbie bullied Elly into submission to take her spot because she had some very important things to tell Matt.
Abbie proceeds to use her one on one time with Bachie to admire the new styling of the cheese platter.

I will say this, after several seasons, I am glad the cheese platter is getting the recognition it deserves. Much like Osher – it really helps bind the show. Cheese brings people together, you guys.

Sogand gets the boot
Our poor Persian Princess got too caught up in the Abbie drama she missed the Bachie Boat.

THURSDAY

Helena gets a single date that is equal parts torture and ET vibes
Remember when you really like someone, and you snag a second date – so you invite them round to map out your 10 year plan together?
No?
Yeah me either!
What the actual crap, producers. Poor Helena went into a spiral – homegirl doesn’t even know what she’s having for brekky tomorrow. Her instagram’s content calendar only goes up to October, how is she supposed to tell you when she’s ready to have kids?

After that they have a bath in front of a giant moon that was reminiscent of this:
CWYOasAUsAEuS3a

The girls go on the most cooked group date to exist
This date had a lot of elements, but I’m totally here for it.
A painting class. Wine. A drag queen. Self-expression.
It’s like they tried to fit five date concepts into one. As usual, Abbie snags front and centre spot next to Matt and annoys everyone.

Chelsie has a moment with her new Drag Mother and it’s too pure for this timeslot
I am a number 1 fan when it comes to Chelsie. But she is not her own number one fan and it makes me sad. It also makes the Drag Queen sad.

So she pulls her aside for a pep-talk. The kind of pep-talk you give the friend you just met at 2am in the nightclub bathroom when she’s crying about her boy troubles (Shout out to Ashleigh, hope you’re O.K, girlfriend).

It’s so wholesome that she ends up winning the challenge and getting some alone time with Bachie! YAAAAAAS, KWEEN.

Bachie once again hears Abbie is bad news…proceeds to give Abbie a rose
Abbie is not living her life by the girl code and it’s annoying the other ladies in the house. Elly tells Matt she doesn’t think Abbie is here for the right reasons which has been thrown around so much this season. Just say she is a snake and be done with it!

It goes in one ear and out the other for Bachie, as he gives Abbie a rose and sends the little China girl, Kristen home.

And that’s it! We’re now down to five girls. Abbie, Chelsie, Elly, Emma and Helena are all in the running to win Bachie Matt’s heart. At this point it’s anyone’s game but I think we can all agree that hopefully it’s not Abbie.

Thanks for reading! See ya next week!

The Bachelor Recap: Week 5

HELL-O ladies and gents, we’re wrapping up week 5 of the Bachelor.

All the deadweight is gone and we’re now down to star players. Things are getting pretty ~serious~

WEDNESDAY

Elly gets a second single date, because they’re playing with fire and she’s a nurse so it’s a double whammy bargain deal for the show’s OH&S
You know when you’re out in St Kilda in the warmer months, around dusk and all the *eccentric* locals come out? You know the ones – with their hacky sacks, hula hoops, hemp cream and questionable hygiene, and fire twirling?

Anyway….is that romantic?

I didn’t think so, but hey – it’s 2019 so maybe I’m just not woke enough.

Anyway, Matt and Elly’s second date was just a November night on the St Kilda foreshore. They laughed, they played with fire, they gazed into each others eyes and they had a big ol smooch. A lot of the girls are starting to feel like it’s the ‘Elly show’ and I still just have this niggling feeling she’s going to get her heart broken.

Half the girls skydive for a group date while trying not to look like this:

blH
Poor Kristen was so scared but she DID IT! I wonder if she could see China from up there.

Rachael goes on about her Plan B to all the wrong people and eventually gets escorted out
Oh Rachael.
Poor, young, naïve, big-lipped Rachael.
You were just a bit too open, weren’t you?

While I do think this saga was heavily manufactured by producers, not to mention the problematic way in which she was booted from the mansion, I will say that I really don’t think she was there for the right reasons.

As in…if the ‘right’ reasons were to a) gain followers and b) get a sponsorship…then sure – she was there with her eye on the prize. For all other reasons like gee…I dunno LOVE – she was perhaps not so focused.

ANYWAY. The best part of this whole debacle was when Mary said ‘No wonder Rachael’s lips are so big…they’re full of secrets’ A very well-altered quote from Mean Girls which I think we can all appreciate.

Thanks Mary…never change.

Oh sorry…the runner up for best moment goes to Rachael for calling everyone ‘F***ing Dogs’ as she got into the getaway car. Class act, right to the end.

Although Rachael did an Irish goodbye, we still had a rose ceremony to trim some more of the fat.
Farewell Nikki. I feel you may have been comedy gold for our screens if there weren’t so much other DRAMA going on. Godspeed.

THURSDAY

Group date time, with Elly, Matt and Abbie….oh and some others I guess
Ok, so I guess we shouldn’t be too upset at this point that Matt’s playing favourites. But it probably wouldn’t be as annoying if one of them wasn’t Abbie.

I know, that’s mean of me – I just fear it will be history repeating. Like with Richie and Alex, where they just really wanted to have a single date ~In ThE bEdRoOm~ then after that realised, hey – we actually have zero in common.

Shame, really.

Anyways they end up doing aerial acrobatics or something equally circus-y, then Bachie has to choose one girl to do a performance together, he chooses Abbie. They float in some silk things and then kiss and Abbie is all ‘OMG I like you so much it makes me want to cry’ and tbh I blacked out at that point from nausea.

Chelsie gets a massive wedgie for all of Sydney to see on her single date with Matt
THIS. THIS HAD ME IN STITCHES. Bachie picks Chelsie to horizontally scale a building in Sydney from the top to bottom. With harnesses and all that jazz, but it’s essentially meant to look like you’re walking down the side of a building and gravity doesn’t exist etc. Real ‘Inception’ style stuff. ANYWAY Bachie and Chelsie thought they were gonna look like a cool couple of ninjas, instead they just looked like two nerds bobbing quickly down the side of a building, being held up by their butts. It was actually the funniest thing I’ve seen this season, it was not sexy, it was not firey, it wasn’t even attractive.

But man it was entertaining.

Anyways the two have a very heart to heart-y convo and the word ‘LOVE’ is thrown around a lot by the Bachie: ‘I LOVE spending time with you,’ ‘I LOVE that you’re so smart’ ‘I LOVE that you’re a massive nerd like me’ – you get the point. But anyways I thought that was quite telling – or maybe I’m biased because I really want Chelsie and Bachie to have their own afterschool nerdy science program.

Sogand does a belly dance at the cocktail party because Shakira
So I thought this was going to be a cool moment. Call me ignorant, but I thought it would be a kind of Persian bellydance Spectacular. It’s her heritage after all.

It was more of an awkward Belly Flop. As in, you wince while watching but you can’t look away, and you know it’s going to hurt the person doing it way more than it hurts you to look.

The world crumbles as we say goodbye to Mary…and Nichole
Guys, I’m so sad Mary is gone. Not because I had her in the sweep, but because she was literally commentary gold. I want Mary to commentate everything I watch from now on.

The Bachelor, The News, the 2019 AFL Grand Final – ALL. OF. IT.

As for Nichole, well – you tried love.

That’s all for week 5, folks. Can’t wait till next week for a cameo appearance from the BACHIE ALL STARS (who knew there was such a thing)

The Bachelor Recap: Week 4

Good morning, happy Friday and happy week 4 of the Bachie Recaps.

Well, it’s one week on from the highly anticipated Bachie Walk Out. A week on from Monique’s exit and the most Aussie drama seen on prime time TV since Blue Heelers.

Week four saw lies, deceit, weird mud bath make-out sessions and of course – DRAMAAAAA.

WEDNESDAY

Clingy Irish Princess Emma gets a single date, confesses her love after five short minutes
Yes, Emma the Irish who has four potential wedding venues already booked in advance for *just in case* and a cupboard full of caught bouquets finally gets her very own single DATE!

Her and Bachie eat food blindfolded and Emma freaks TF out, thinking she’s eating spiders. This isn’t Survivor love, just eat the damn field mushroom

(to be fair, mushrooms ARE a fungus so…).

The pair head to the feelings and cheese platter couch for a heart to heart, where Emma tells Bachie that he means the ‘world’ to her and I’m left wondering if she knows what the world actually is.

Old mate is coming on strong but Bachie doesn’t seem to mind, he gives her a fancy piece of wood to commemorate her craziness and then the pair mack on. Lovely.

Group date introduces us to new girl band The Selfless Five and we learn that Abbie is probably (definitely) a liar liar pants on fire
The girls get dolled up and asked to order themselves from ‘least’ to ‘most’ selfless, fun, honest, etc you get the point.

This group date was just ridiculous, you guys. If I said to you ‘Ok, put your team in order of Who’s the best down to who is a steaming pile of cow dung’ – How do ya think that’s gonna go down?

I-cant-wait-to-see-how-this-turns-out

Of course it ends in a fight for who can get to the first podium quick enough – with Abbie managing to win most times. The part that ruffled feathers was when she claimed she was most honest because, and I quote: ‘I literally, like, cannot lie you guys’ – which is like, exactly what someone who lies constantly would say.

Sogand asks Abbie ‘Why U always lyin?’ and Abbie lies some more
Sogand is really stuck on the fact Abbie says she doesn’t really want kids or to get married, but where Matt’s concerned, she seems to change her mind and tbh – that’s quite the backflip. Abbie’s running round the mansion doing Parkour at this rate if she’s changing her mind as much as the girls say.

We say goodbye to Brianna who must be really good at hide and seek considering I have never seen her before
Farewell Bree, we hardly knew thee.

THURSDAY

China Girl Kristen gets a single date sloshing round in organic mud
Bachie has finally weeded out enough girls that he’s managed to spot another blonde he hasn’t spoken to yet! He and Kristen go on a weird date where they rub mud on each other. Bachie sat in a small bucket while he and Kristen made out and it was just a lil bit weird if I’m honest. Surely you’d be getting mud all up in your mouth? But if I’ve learnt anything thus far it’s that Bachie Matt is not letting hygiene get in his way of a good time.

It’s another group date where the girls get plied with alcopops and then talk to Bachie’s bestie
What could possibly go wrong?!

Sogand, Abbie, Cassandra and Elly all get to meet Bachie’s bestie Kate, who was put in the friend zone nearly 20 years ago and hasn’t moved since.

The four girls even had their own besties come along to play ultimate wingman for the date which is cute. The whole experience was really taken up by Abbie’s indecision. She told Kate she isn’t really fussed about getting married or having kids, but in three to five years she can probably you know, see herself married with kids. UMM. OK.

Let me get one thing straight. The girl is 23. Ya don’t have to want to have a million babies at 23.

23 is far too close in proximity to year 10 sex-ed classes sitting in a stuffy room watching a live birthing scene take place on a TV your teacher wheeled in (no? Just my school? Ok.) But having said that, if you’re not totally sure what you’re after at this point, maybe don’t go on a reality show to actively seek true love, ya know?

Just go out and be your footloose and fancy free 23-year old self, until you’ve blocked year 10 out of your mind enough to even consider looking after another human. Just food for thought.

It’s cocktail party time and Sogand goes all out Regina George on Abbie’s butt

‘All the other girls are talking about you, babe. I’m just the only one that will say it to your face.’

I’m starting to think this drama is a storm in a tea cup, but my god – the use of ‘babe’ in this show has really been mastered to become the most epic passive aggressive performance.

Meanwhile Bachie finally makes out with Helena the unemployed influencer and gets red lipstick everywhere.

Just an FYI Bachie, Red lipstick is just makeup ok? It’s not like, a target for you to put your mouth on.

Just a PSA from me because I dunno, I’m starting to see a trend here.

We say goodbye to Cassandra after hearing her talk for the first time
I’m starting to think we haven’t seen much of Cassandra because she’s too busy plugging her business to the producers to have time to appear on camera. As she said goodbye to Bachie I’m sure I saw her slip a business card in his jacket pocket for when he needs to buy an engagement ring. SEEYA

We’re down to 11 ladies now so I can finally tell you who is who.

See you next week for more drama and more unhygienic intimacy.

The Bachelor Recap: Week 3

Happy Friday people and welcome to week 3 of the Bachie Recaps.

This week we finally got the BACHIE STORM OUT we’d all been waiting for…but I think the real gift was the amount of times The Bachelor and his potential love interests flippantly said the C-Bomb.

If you haven’t guessed already, this episode is going to be really hard to talk about, by the way, in a WORK EMAIL.

I mean,  there’s some important people in this email chain (Hi Robyn, thanks for reading) and I don’t want to offend people. So for the purpose of this exercise, we’re going to change the bad word to ‘Crumpet.’

WEDNESDAY

Abbie gets her first proper single date and stirs the pot like it’s foot-juice
Abbie the *seductress* gets some one on one time with Bachie after they exchanged saliva for half last week’s episode. They squelch around in some fruit to make foot juice for cocktails and it’s the least romantic thing I think I’ve seen. Also, how weird is the word ‘squelch’? – I’ll leave you with that.

Did the producers spend all their money on last week’s Ferrari and plane date? Channel 10’s intern had to run to the local woollies to grab 4 kilos of Oranges to make this date a little bit exciting before we got hit with the DRAMAAAAA.

Later, after macking on in the pool, Abbie tells Bachie she’s literally felt sick all day because Monique said some mean things about him…specifically, she said he was a dog crumpet. And like, it has nothing to do with the fact that Monique had a great date with Bachie last week and usually only dates footballers but for some reason likes Nerdy Bachie? Those two things are completely unrelated.

Bachie comes to terms with the fact he’s been called a Dog Crumpet on national telly, and is too scared to kiss anyone as a result
Bachie shares some more one on one time with Helena the unemployed influencer and Chelsie the hot nerdy girl. He probs would have pashed both of them I reckon because they’re blonde, but he is now a bit cautious as he doesn’t want to be seen as a disrespectful pig, or a crumpet -he’s just trying to find LOVE, you guys!

Bachie uses the cocktail party to create a Facebook Poll as to who heard Monique call him a crumpet and whether it was a joke or not.
All signs point to the fact Monique definitely DID call our poor Bachie a Crumpet. But it’s the context in which she said it that we can’t seem to get answers for.

My favourite part of this whole evening was the fact Sogand said ‘They were definitely joking, that’s just how they talk. They’re, you know – a bit bogan’.

And I mean, she’s not wrong. But the word Crumpet is wrong and shouldn’t be said. But should Abbie have told him in the first place? I’ll let you decide.

Bachie sends an unknown girl home and keeps Monique because he thinks he can move past the Dog Crumpet comment
Will he be able to? I guess we’ll find out.

THURSDAY

It’s group date time, and it’s wedding themed – because the women in the house didn’t feel enough like sister wives already
Vakoo wins Number 1 wife and gets some alone time with Bachie. But she also has a serious case of the giggles.

The wine is funny, strawberries are funny, commitment chat is funny – it’s all bloody hilarious when you’re a nervous laugher – this coming from someone with experience. I don’t think this date goes very well, as Vakoo doesn’t even get a rose! Which is sad because she is great television.

Hot nerd Chelsie gets a single date at Bachie’s house and forgets to take her textbook so they bake and make out instead.
Ok I am now officially concerned the budget has been blown on this season already. As Bachie’s single date was ‘come to mine and make banana bread’ – EVERYBODY KNOWS banana bread is delicious, yes. But it’s also extremely easy to make if you have basic baking ingredients and a few dodgy bananas.

Bachie saw some brown narnies in the bowl and didn’t want to waste his money.

They had the most disgusting looking food fight also so I’m surprised there was any bread batter left in the bowl.

Now the next bit made me real mad. They then proceeded to wash it off IN THE POOL. Bachie’s groundskeeper is not going to be happy when bits of dodgy banana block the pool filter let me tell you. You’ll be swimming in algae for weeks.

Monique gets a quiet exit after Bachie realises he can’t get over the whole Dog Crumpet debacle
And I mean, fair enough. Monique must use the word crumpet so damn much she can’t even remember saying it! I assume she probs uttered it a few times in the cab ride out of the mansion.

Abbie feigns shock over Monique’s shock exit and it basically looks like this:

shocked.gif

We say bye to golden girl Vakoo who is honestly too pure for this world

Bye Vakoo, keep slaying. Maybe stop giggling.

And once again we’re left waiting for next week’s big batch of DRAMA. Thanks for reading friends, I promise I’ll learn who has who so I can update properly. There are just so many blondes, you guys – it’s very confusing.