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The Bachelor Recap: Week 2

This week we were promised a real doozie in the promos.

A BACHIE STORM OUT so dramatic it could match the work of Shakespeare.

Instead we got the equivalent of my 8 year old cousin’s school play. There’s a lot of commotion but not much is really happening, and one kid won’t stop crying. Welcome to Week 2 ladies and gentlemen.

This week was just so bland, apart from a few key moments.

I still don’t know everyone’s names, and we managed to weed out a few of the less memorable contenders so that makes life easier.

WEDNESDAY

Farm girl Elly uses her Golden Ticket to see Bachie Matt’s Melbourne
Ok this was a really boring date. Also – I have a bone to pick.

This ‘Golden Ticket’ was promoted like a romantic getaway to see the sites of Melbourne. The shopping, the food, the coffee, oh my.

Instead, Elly got whisked to Flemington Racecourse in the off-season to ride on some smelly horses (which as the token farm girl she’s probably pretty used to), meet Bachie’s Grandma and play with some silverware.

The cheese platter couch was also freighted down to Melbourne so they had somewhere to have a cheeky pash. Elly remains a front runner but I fear she’ll have her heart broken.

Nichole goes into fit of jealous rage over her (alleged) doppleganger Monique and it’s very Jan and Marsha Brady vibes
Monique stole Bachie away to show him her lady garden scavenger hunt of things she likes so he could get to know her better.

He returns the favour by handing her an envelope for the next single date, along with a rose.

Nichole throws all her toys out the cot because Monique is ‘Just a blonde b***h with a tan!’ and really…that’s kind of it? Were you lost? I definitely was.

Three girls we’ve never seen before leave the mansion to sign their YouFoodz contracts.

See you on my feed in 3 months, gals xoxo

THURSDAY

Monique gets her single date in a red car and a very small plane

Honestly you guys, this Bachie is probably the most childlike Bachelor we’ve ever seen. DID YOU SEE HIS FACE WHEN HE GOT TO DRIVE THE BIG RED CAR?

Omg. I just want to hug him he’s too cute.

Anyway, Monique and Bachie have a very adrenaline-seeking date, then sit down at the wine and cheese couch and it becomes very clear to me that Monique is a woman very out of Bachie’s league.

I am getting ‘I-only-date-footballers’ vibes, and tbh I think Bachie is too, that’s why he swooped in for the big SMOOCH and it pays off. Will this pairing last the distance? I’m not too sure.

PHOTOSHOOT Group date! One of the most cooked dates of the show

We love the Photoshoot date because it’s where the claws REALLY come out.

To be honest this one didn’t really seem to have a theme, just a lot of ladies almost-pashing bachie.

Including, Abbie the Gemini AKA SAUCY MINX. Wowee.

In a photo styling of Anthony and Cleopatra where she was the maid-with-the-fan…Abbie stole the show.

The sexual tension between her and Bachie could be felt through my screen, you guys. It was a lot to watch.

Bachie and Abbie the Gemini mack-on like it’s 3am on a Saturday night at the Precinct

I mean…what more can I say? Limbs were flying. Lipstick everywhere.

This was, I should mention – at the Cocktail Party. Now I am pretty sure it’s a bit of an unspoken rule that ya don’t mack on with the pretty ladies at the cocktail party.

It’s poor form. It breaks the ‘girl-code’. It leaves your make-up a right mess Abbie, dammit!

But when Bachie has his smart man glasses on I guess it’s hard to say no.

Another lady that I’m sure has a great personality goes home

She will be missed by someone. (maybe).

WE STILL DON’T GET THE BLOODY BACHIE WALK-OFF.

I MEAN COME ON.

Fingers crossed for next week though right?

The Bachelor Recap: Week 1

Can you believe it’s that time of year again?

We’re back on the journey to LOVE and this time with a hot nerd named Matt.
But he’s not your Dungeons and Dragons, poindexter type. He is legitimately a smarty pants Astrophysicist, which is hard to spell and hard to say.
I’m already impressed.

Matt is a breath of fresh air after the disaster of last year’s HoneyBadger season. On first impressions he’s very smiley, very polished and very nice.

He is the ultimate school captain.

School Captain Bachie has had his work cut out for him so far and we’ve only just finished week 1! He said hello to 20 women – few were memorable – and then another eight in last night’s episode!

It’s only week one and he’s already had to say goodbye to eight potential love interests who will soon be flooding your sponsored posts for HelloFresh and Teeth whitening kits.

So far, my front runners are:

Nurse by the campfire lady…Ellie? Who practically weasled her way into a first date in the introduction (smooth). It was this tactic that helped her snag the Golden Ticket. This year’s elusive lottery prize! This ticket means she gets to go to Melbs and see Bachie’s home town. Game, Set, Match am I right?

Hot Nerdy engineer Chelsea – Ok this girl had a brilliant entry, and managed to get channel 10 to #FreeTheNipple at 7.30pm on a weeknight. She made a fake tattoo with something science-y (a chemical? A Periodic table? Not sure. Sit tight while I check my year 10 science book). They would make the cutest nerdy hot couple ever. Tune in 6 months down the track where they host their own Science Show. Like The Urwins but with beakers and stuff.

Mauritian blonde girl – the first entrance of the evening! Which can sometimes be a sign of good luck if previous seasons are anything to go by. She was a real class act. Sophisticated, well-spoken and beautiful. She is also a “Wellness Coach’ Which I’m sure is new slang for ‘unemployed influencer’.

Persian Princess Sogand – This girl is just SO damn happy to be Persian and I am here for it. So much so that she nearly flipped her biscuit when ANOTHER Persian girl entered the house on Thursday. Will they be friends? Time will tell. This lovely lady also snagged the first single date and SMOOCH so…that’s a good sign. Although the promos show him kissing a lot of blondies so this ‘connection’ could be a ticking time bomb.

Here are my honorable mentions to the ladies Channel 10 has picked for ratings:

Crazy Eyes McGee, Emma – Emma LOVES Love, she LOVES the Bachelor and she has a 250 page scrapbook under her bed that details her perfect wedding day right down to the colour of the napkin holders. She is a little unhinged but I’m here for it.

Vakoo the model – so firstly, this girl is drop dead GORGEOUS. But she is also a real laugh. She did go missing in last night’s episode so hopefully she’s back on board next week. Shout out to the Channel 10 editing suite that didn’t think we would notice her absence in the sea of women on screen.

Bitchy motorbike girl – This one will be the girl asked to leave. Wait for it.

Fish Lips bridal party – This girl is toooo much. She carried on about how everyone was gagging for attention. Meanwhile HOMEGIRL ROCKED UP IN A WEDDING DRESS!!! I just. I can’t you guys. It’s too much.

Literally every woman at the cocktail party trying to pronounce and understand what an Astrophysicist is.

Thank you for tuning into the first Bachie Recap of the year! Tune in next week when we might actually learn some of the women’s names.